Toxic People

I’m sure you’ve met a few toxic people. While the positive people in our lives nurture and encourage us, the toxic people function more like speed bumps. Energy vampires, fun suckers—whatever you want to call them—these poor souls force us to grow or be drawn into their unhappy world. The next time you find yourself dealing with a toxic person, remember that they deserve your compassion. Just don’t let yourself be submerged in their toxins.

If you’ve ever befriended a toxic person—or if you’ve been lucky enough to have one in your family—you know about the draining effect they can have on you. I’ve found they come in three basic varieties: the overtly negative, the snipers, and the attention hogs. The ones who are overtly negative are also usually hypercritical, and they’re frequently spewing profanity at every turn. Everyone and everything has a label. They can leave you feeling like a punching bag. For these folks, every conversation is the opportunity for a full frontal assault. Snipers appear pleasant, but leave you feeling uneasy as you wonder what on earth they really mean by their back-handed comments (“Gee, Susie, I never would have thought a girl your size could look good in that color, but you really pull it off.”) Attention hogs don’t seem to have a clue that anyone else exists. They can appear egotistical and inconsiderate. These are those people who can’t wait to get together with you, and then spend the entire time talking about themselves. They wonder why you never told them about your marriage, promotion, or pregnancy, completely oblivious to the fact that they never gave you the chance.

The best method I know for dealing with toxic people is compassionate silence, plus a generous dose of self-protection. You can do your best to avoid them, but it isn’t always possible. You can’t take anything they say (or don’t say) personally. Toxic people offer us the opportunity to hone our listening skills, and to practice non-interference and detachment. Listen to what the fun suckers in your life are really saying. What you’re likely to hear under all that negative energy is, “Listen to me! Look at me! I’m lonely!” Fail to hear the real message under all that sludge, and you’ll find yourself smack in the middle of a wave of judgment, maybe even anger. These people virtually invented the senseless argument.

Toxic people teach as much (maybe even more) as our supportive and fun friends. From the toxic people in my life, I learned that unsolicited advice rarely does anyone any good—for either the giver or the receiver. I also learned to relinquish the need to be right, or to talk about myself. The only thing I’m still working on is how to shake that nasty cloud of negative energy they bring with them.

Last week, I met up with an old acquaintance who is also a toxic person. At one time, years ago, she was a friend. But then she became an attention hog. I lost interest in visiting with her after several hours-long episodes of her talking non-stop about herself, sometimes repeating herself endlessly. At first, I felt that because I was her friend I should just let her vent, but then it started to feel like I was on the receiving end of a big pile of emotional vomit. Nothing was going right, her husband was a jerk, her health was a wreck, positive thinking was for imbeciles, and almost everyone she knew was either an idiot or intellectually deficient in some way. She was profoundly uninterested in anything going on in my life. When she got back in touch with me recently, it had been over a year since I’d seen her. I agreed to meet her for some catching up.

I’m happy to say that her health is better and she appears to enjoy at least a few of the people in her life, but she didn’t spend much time talking about those things. Her main topics of conversation revolved around her husband’s failings and how put-upon she is to forever be hosting visitors in her new home. One poor soul had the nerve to bring her an unsatisfactory bottle of wine for a housewarming gift, which she told me she wouldn’t use to make vinegar. (I didn’t mention that I had a bottle of that same wine in my refrigerator.) After two hours of her talking about herself, she was ready to leave. I chuckled when I got in my car. What had led me to believe she had changed? Why hadn't I thought of an excuse not to see her?

My chuckling stopped as I wondered, is it me? Was I at fault because I hadn’t been able to get the conversation going in any kind of positive way? Why did she even bother taking the time to meet me? Did it make her feel better, or superior, or did she just enjoy the fact that I let her talk? How could it be a good experience to have such a one-sided conversation?

In prior years, I would have obsessed over these questions. I would have worried that I appeared weak, uninteresting, or stupid. I’ll admit that it still took me a while to shake the film of black goo that I allowed to cloud my thinking. Fortunately, although she hasn’t changed much since I last saw her, I have changed. Instead of obsessively re-playing every bit of uncomfortable conversation, or thinking of the more witty remarks I could have made, I let it go. I had to consciously move my thoughts away from our visit and on to something positive, but after persistent effort, I succeeded. I realized that it really wouldn’t have made any difference if I’d been as witty as a stand-up comedian, as rich as a Trump, or as sophisticated as a Hamptons resident. It really wasn’t about me. It was about her.

And that, I have to say, is one of the biggest lessons we can learn from the toxic people in our lives. All those mean comments, the negative energy, the seeming lack of consideration, all that thinly veiled judgment isn’t about us. If we take it personally, we just bring ourselves down. But if we practice compassion and detachment, we’ll find the toxic people in our lives can be our best teachers.
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Picture courtesy of Greschoj at http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1057832

An Enduring Classic

If you’re a student of positive thinking, the law of attraction, or any other similar schools of thought, I hope you’ve read the classic Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. Published in 1937, this little gem of a book contains the wisdom Hill gleaned after 20 years of interviewing the most successful men of his day—men like Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, and Alexander Graham Bell. Even if you have read it, it bears re-reading—and making notes in it and marking pages that catch your attention.

The table of contents gives a good synopsis of the book:

1. The Power of Thought
2. Desire: The Starting Point of All Achievement
3. Faith: Visualizing and believing in the Attainment of Desire
4. Autosuggestion: The Medium for Influencing the Subconscious Mind
5. Specialized Knowledge: Personal Experiences or Observations
6. Imagination: The Workshop of the Mind
7. Organized Planning: The Crystallization of Desire into Action
8. Decision: The Mastery of Procrastination
9. Persistence: The Sustained Effort Necessary to Induce Faith
10. Power of the Master Mind: The Driving Force
11. The Mystery of Sex Transmutation
12. The Subconscious Mind: The Connecting Link
13. The Brain: A Broadcasting and Receiving Station for Thought
14. The Sixth Sense: The Door to the Temple of Wisdom
15. How to Outwit the Six Ghosts of Fear (Clearing the Brain for Riches)
16. The Devil’s Workshop

Interesting enough, right before I started to write this post, I checked my e-mail and found a message from our Twitter account (@YouRTheAnswer) that let me know I had what’s known as a “follow” from Bob Proctor—yes, the Bob Proctor featured on The Secret. I’m sure it wasn’t from Bob personally; many serious users have systems that automatically give anyone who follows their updates a “follow back,” and I had just signed up for his updates. (Almost every one of The Secret’s teachers are on Twitter, by the way.) As a thank-you, he had sent a link to one of his free videos. This is also a common strategy from high-level Twitter users—they send a link to a free video, a free e-book, or website. I’ve never clicked through to any of these offerings, but for some reason, I clicked on Bob’s. I almost fell out of my chair when he started talking about—you guessed it—Think and Grow Rich. Bob held up his well-read copy and explained exactly how he had put the book’s advice to use in his own life.

It’s difficult to find many modern self-transformation teachers who haven’t studied Hill’s classic. Read the author’s introduction to the original, and it’s easy to see why. Here’s an excerpt:

“Every chapter of this book mentions the money-making secret that has made fortunes for more than 500 exceedingly wealthy people whom I have carefully analyzed over a long period of years. The secret was brought to my attention more than a quarter of century ago by Andrew Carnegie…. When he saw that I had grasped the idea, he asked if I would be willing to spend 20 years or more preparing myself to take it to the world, to men and women who, without the secret, might go through life as failures.” The modern edition is updated and tells the story of some of our own modern giants, like Bill Gates and Steven Speilberg.

Hill tells us in Chapter 1, “A great many years ago I purchased a fine dictionary. The first thing I did was turn to the word ‘impossible,’ and neatly clip it out of the book. That would not be an unwise thing for you to do.”

It would be very wise, however, for you to pick up a copy of Think and Grow Rich.

The Fallacy of Should

All by itself, “should” isn’t a bad word. It’s quite useful in sentences: Johnny should clean up his room. But it’s quite useless in daily life.

Here’s the difficulty with “should”: instead of simply sitting in your sentences as a desired action, it indicates thwarted expectations. One therapist I know said any time we use the word “should,” it indicates an erroneous belief. I should be skinny. I should be richer. My mate should be more attentive. My children should behave better. Should’s sister is Can’t, and they usually travel together: I should be skinny, but I can’t find the time to cook meals. I should be richer, but I can’t do anything beyond my job to make more money. My mate should be more attentive, but I can’t say anything to him. My children should behave better, but I can’t get them to listen to me.

I’ve been reading Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life every morning while I drink my cup of tea. In this book, he examines each verse of the Tao Te Ching, an ancient text written by Lao-tzu. I don’t think Lao-tzu had much use for Should. He was more concerned with Is. I was struck this morning by his examination of the pitfalls of authoritarianism, the epitome of Should. In the 57th verse, Dr. Dyer’s translation says:

If you want to be a great leader,
You must learn to follow the Tao
Stop trying to control.
Let go of fixed plans and concepts,
And the world will govern itself.

Should and Can’t figure prominently in many people’s lives, especially during tumultuous times. I have a dear friend whose business has all but collapsed because of the economic downturn. “I should be able to support my family,” he tells me. Repeatedly. “This shouldn’t be happening to me.” Because he feels his business Should be doing better, he is very angry that things aren’t the way they Should be. Anger blinds us to the possibilities contained within our challenges. You’ve probably heard clichés about thinking outside the box; the boundaries of that box are formed with Should.

Students of the LOA (law of attraction) may initially take exception to this line of thinking. They might argue that if we keep our minds focused on how things Should be, then that’s what will happen. Here’s the difficulty with that vein of thought: Should carries a heavy load of negative connotation. It’s all about not wanting what we’ve got. There’s not a shred of thankfulness or gratitude in Should.

We can look at what we don’t want to give us contrast and help us define what we do want, but focusing on what Should happen means you’re second-guessing the Universe. Ever heard the saying, “God works in mysterious ways”? Don’t paint your world in black and white when you live in a colorful Universe. Those things that Should or Should Not be happening may simply be the stepping stones to what you do want, but you’ve got to stop passing judgment on them. Thinking positively and practicing the LOA does not mean that you never encounter difficulty. No matter how positive your thoughts, or much fortune and luck you attract, you will still have to deal with challenges. Let go of Should and be willing to go with the flow, to understand that in every life storms arrive (and pass), and that what appears awful today may be just what you need to push you in the direction you need to go.

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Photograph by Nevada Redd

Courage

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” --Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ve thought a lot about what to write about courage. These are times in which great courage is required, both from individuals and from those whom we have elected as our leaders. For me, every day reminds me how important courage is.

You may have heard the saying by Susan Jeffers (coined in a book title): “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Yet, like so many (seemingly) simple bits of wisdom, the ability to act when you’re afraid can feel like an impossibility. Fear can freeze us into one spot and paralyze us from doing anything.

I remember watching a good friend of mine succumb to the paralysis of fear. Years ago, long before our current recession-depression, he had lost his job, and he had a large family and wife to support. He didn’t have a high school diploma, and he struggled with reading and writing, which made him afraid to fill out job applications. Lacking any immediate prospects for work, he simply sat down one day and began watching television non-stop. He gave up bathing and caring for himself, and his friends and family watched helplessly as the bills mounted and the pantry became bare. When an out-of-state friend called to offer him a job, he accepted it and moved his family across the country. Although undertaking a job search scared my friend into immobility, he was courageous about uprooting his family and starting over in another state—an action that would have terrified someone else.

Fear is subjective. Most people will do anything to avoid public speaking; I’ll volunteer to stand in front of a crowd. Courage is born in those moments when we realize that fear is the boogey man in the closet, the nightmare that makes us scream in the middle of the night. Fear, like courage, comes from within us. It is largely a creation of our own minds.

Courage, the antidote to fear, is like jumping off the high board. As one of my friend puts it, it’s swinging from the skinny branches. Courage isn’t always—or even usually—headline winning acts of bravery. True courage comes every day, in the small choices we make. It’s deciding that we can be truthful with our spouse. It’s choosing to be kind and compassionate rather than lashing out in anger and fear. It’s making that phone call for a job, or to the bill collector, or to an old friend whom we haven’t spoken to in a long time.

Many people, myself included, have had to find new stores of courage in the current economic climate. After years of easily finding work and enjoying financial abundance, things abruptly changed. After months of searching for work, I have a new appreciation for why my friend parked himself in front of his television set.

I remind myself every day that a connection to the Universe diminishes fear and fuels courage. When I feel the tyranny of the urgent pressing upon me—that obnoxious voice in the back of my head screaming scary things at me—I retreat to silence. In that silence, I listen. I allow the Universe to carry away my fears, and in their place I feel the pulse of courage. And then I follow Mrs. Roosevelt’s words. I do the things I thought I couldn’t. I make those phone calls and send out manuscripts and write. Sometimes my hands sweat and my heart pounds, but I move forward anyway. I’d rather live a courageous life than a fearful one. Every day, I renew that choice.

“When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.” --Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Picture courtesy of Simeon Eichmann at http://www.sxc.hu/photo/971596

Buddha: Ancient Wisdom for Today

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. --Buddha


What do you know about Buddha? His image is so prevalent today that his wisdom and actual life story is often forgotten.

Buddha began life as privileged prince Siddhārtha Gautama. His father shielded him from all of life’s unpleasantries, but the day came when Siddhartha saw the old, the infirm, and the poor. Deeply disturbed by what he saw, he left his princely life behind to study with the mystics and wise men of his day—he studied not only to educate himself, but also in hopes that he could end the suffering he saw in the world. His quest and studies eventually led him to the Bodhi tree, and after 49 days of meditation, he achieved Enlightenment. He did not claim to be a god. So what is enlightenment? That’s a bit like trying to define love; words are insufficient. It’s the loss of ego, the severing of attachment to the world, and the ability to see things as they truly are—but that only touches on the subject in the most superficial way. If you are seeking peace, read up on Buddha and his life; remember that today, the term Buddha can refer not only to the historical person, but to anyone who has achieved enlightenment.

Here are some more Buddha quotes:

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

He is able who thinks he is able.

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.

He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye.
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Photo by Nevada Redd

Be Impeccable With Your Word

From the book: The Four Agreements – A Toltec Wisdom Book – A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom - by: Don Miguel Ruiz – Pages 25 – 26.

The First Agreement: Be Impeccable with Your Word

THE FIRST AGREEMENT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE and also the most difficult one to honor. It is so important that with just this first agreement you will be able to transcend to the level of existence I call heaven on earth.

The first agreement is to be impeccable with your word. It sounds very simple, but it is very, very powerful.

Why your word? Your word is the power that you have to create. Your word is the gift that comes directly from God. The Gospel of John in the Bible, speaking of the creation of the universe, says, “In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word is God.” Through the word you express your creative power. It is through the word that you manifest everything. Regardless of what language you speak, your intent manifests through the word.

The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life. You can speak. What other animal on the planet can speak? The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of word, which creates a living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love, and heaven on earth. Depending upon how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know. Your word is pure magic, and misuse of your word is black magic.

The Anti-Antidepressant

If you pay attention to television ads, you know that the drug companies have been hard at work developing medications to ease depression. “Mākuhapē will help you get out of bed every day and get back to your normal, cheerful self. Side effects include headache, dizziness, stomach upset, loss of libido, numbness and tingling in your extremities, disrupted sleep, increased or decreased appetite, and heart palpitations. In rare cases, Mākuhapē may cause your head to become misshapen, liver failure, and death. Consult with your doctor to see if Mākuhapē is right for you.” I don’t know about you, but I’d have to be in pretty bad shape to consider taking any make-you-happy pills. I think the happiness would be short-lived before the side effects kicked in.

Don’t get me wrong—depression and its cousins are very real, and people truly suffer from feelings of despair, worthlessness, and hopelessness. I spent years battling depression. I never took anti-depressants because I have a deep-seated aversion to both doctors and medication. I believe both are extremely over-valued in our society, but that’s a topic for another post, something I might call “Doctors Aren’t Gods.” Instead of turning to pills, I decided I would figure out why darkness so often overtook me, why life lost all meaning periodically, why I was unable to get out of bed some days. It was a long journey.

I began journaling and reading, meditating, and studying nutrition and herbs. Years passed, and although my depression changed, and in some ways eased, it didn’t leave. Too much stress, too much worry, and I would fall down a black hole that felt like it had no escape. After a while, I didn’t want to escape. I wanted to stay in that abyss so I wouldn’t have to fight it any longer.

In reading spiritual and self-help books, I had discovered that our live experiences are all about perception. Our focus is up to us—we can dwell on the dark side, or we can choose to find the good in life. We have far more control over our thoughts and feelings than most of us believe (or exercise); most people take life by default. If we feel a certain way, we just assume we must deal with it. If our personality tilts toward depression, we think that’s simply how it is. The problem, of course, is that this life-by-default thinking is wrong.

Deeply depressed one day, I retreated to my bedroom. The darkest thoughts clouded my mind, and as I laid in my bed, mired in thoughts of sorrow and despair, I had a stunning moment of clarity. I knew that if I did not stop allowing myself to spiral into deep depression, I wasn’t going to make it. Suicide would win one day. Was I falling into that black hole, or was I grabbing a hold of the well rope and sliding down into the darkness? I realized that I was allowing myself to wallow in regret, pity, and sadness, that I was permitting these thoughts to hijack my emotions, that I was obsessively re-playing my worst thoughts over and over again. Maybe I couldn’t completely control my depression, but I could stop myself from sinking to this point. I could stop focusing entirely on the darkness. I decided enough was enough.

Until that point, I’d always felt like spiritual books were an indulgence, a bit of wishful thinking with a cover. I almost felt embarrassed to be seen reading one. They were so relentlessly… cheerful. Upbeat. Positive. Even the more philosophical books espoused inner calm and peacefulness. Many spiritual teachers say that we don’t actually learn new things in the realm of spirit; we just have to remember what we already know. Every book I read and every audio recording I listened to reminded me that I didn’t have to be depressed. No internal coding mandated that I had to be miserable and unhappy; no exterior circumstances required my sadness. I decided to dedicate time every day to reading spiritual/self-help books. No doctor’s visit was required, no prescription was necessary, and I suffered no side effects. At first, I was concerned about the cost of my make-you-happy books, but then I realized that buying books was much less expensive than doctors and antidepressants. So far, my method works.

Did I “cure” my depression, or did I simply stop feeding it?
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Picture courtesy of Patrice Dufour at http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1136463

Unconditional Love

“I love you so much; I don’t care what you think,” Quote by Abraham-Hicks.

Sounds like an oxymoron doesn’t it?

Love is a difficult emotion for me to feel and express easily. At an early age, due to a very difficult childhood, I shut down on the “love” emotion. I did not want to open myself up to hurt and disappointment. I had to be strong and non-emotional. I learned that expressing emotion meant being weak. "Don't let others know how you truly feel. Suck it up and get over it." I was told, “It’s not what you want that is important, it’s what you have to do, and don't forget it.” So, I learned to give others what they wanted first, and put my needs aside. I was strong and I could handle the disappointment more easily than others.

Wrong! What I was really doing, was killing myself slowly…not allowing my spirit to soar and expand.

From constantly searching for answers, I happened across Abraham-Hicks. They have written several books and travel the country sharing the teachings of Abraham through daily seminars. If you are unable to attend one of their seminars, they create DVD’s of the actual seminars that can be purchased on their interactive website, www.abraham-hicks.com.

These DVD’s are packed full of wonderful information. They begin with an opening statement given by Abraham (a group consciousness from the non-physical dimension) through Ester (who channels their information) and then, the audience is allowed to ask questions. Once chosen, the person sits in the “hot seat” (I don’t know why they call it the hot seat, to me, it’s more like the “opportunity seat.”) and they are able to ask their questions.

I purchased the DVD: Joyous Adventure! The Law of Attraction in Action, Episode VIII. I spent one whole day viewing and reviewing the information and taking several notes. When I came to the part about love and unconditional love, I was blown away. All my years of searching for the answer of why it’s so difficult for me to love, was answered in this one statement. “I love you so much; I don’t care what you think."

If you want to know the explanation of the above statement, I recommend you purchase the DVD: Joyous Adventure! The Law of Attraction in Action, Episode VIII and enjoy the ride.

Purpose Doesn't Equal Easy

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” –Zen Proverb

When I started reading spiritual books, I noticed that a lot of people seemed to be looking for their purpose. Whew, I thought to myself. I could cross that one off my list of Things To Accomplish Before I Could Become Good Enough. Good Enough for what, I’m not sure—just better than what I was. Over the years, my list grew with each book I read. But at least when I hit that whole “finding your purpose” chapter that inevitably appeared, I could savor a moment of satisfaction. I could give myself an “A” on that one.

I knew I was a writer. I knew that was my purpose, and that it was the one thing I’d been put here to do. This was always clear to me, from the age of seven. Even my mother believed I was meant to be a writer. She saved my first story about our three dogs getting lost. It was an actual event, and my account is on hotel stationary because it happened while we were out of town. Perhaps this is why I later decided to become a non-fiction writer, with a specialty in travel.

At first, knowing I was a writer made choices easy for me. I took journalism and literature classes; I earned awards and accolades. Then I became old enough to have a personal life to intrude into my dreams, and writing was never again an easy choice. It was my passion and often my only link to sanity. I stopped writing during a terrible first marriage, and at that point I destroyed almost everything I’d previously written. I wanted to be a writer, but I had to get a job, and I followed where Life took me.

I kept writing, of course, off and on. My career exposed to me to all kinds of business writing; my college courses required me to write academic papers; and I kept journals and still submitted things here and there. My purpose in Life was always clear. It was just never clear what I was supposed to do with it. It was like having a key, but not knowing what door it opened.

While my writing helped me excel in an administrative/managerial world, it also left a big void. I wanted more from my writing; I wanted to be a Writer, someone who lived her life doing what she knew she did best. I wanted to see if I could make it, and I walked away from a twenty-year career partly to see if I could do it. Eight years later, I’m still finding my way in a new world.

I did become a Writer. That’s what I tell people I do, and I’ve got the business cards and writing credits to prove it. I help people write, and I lead a writing group. Even though I still have things to improve, I can say I succeeded at earning the title of Writer.

By the time I was ready to check off “become a writer” from my list, I had already realized there was no checklist to complete and turn in for my final “A.” I discovered that although the mindset of the truly successful is different from those who struggle constantly, we all have challenges. We are all human, after all, and having one piece of the puzzle doesn’t ensure an easy path. No one materializes to give you an award for pursuing your dreams, and no paycheck automatically arrives along with doing what you feel you were put on earth to do.

Along the way, I discovered a few things about writing. It’s an activity that wears many hats. For some, it’s a job; for others, a passion; for the truly blessed, both. Writing can offer us some of the best advice we’ll ever receive because it comes from our innermost self, although we may not always see it as such. In what other way can you capture your thoughts? Writing or drawing is usually the easiest way to translate what’s going on in your head to something you can use later.

The power of the written word is why every single self-help/spiritual/self-improvement book you read tells you to write a journal, to catalog your dreams, and to set written goals. Why are people who write out their goals more likely to achieve those goals? You can answer that question with quantum physics or with plain old common sense, but both answers are the same. It’s a place to start, a way to focus our attention. From Thomas Jefferson to John Grisham, all of us who write begin at the same place. We begin with an idea and a desire to capture it. From that point forward, our thoughts may become many things. Before that, it’s all a vague collection of ephemera rolling around in our brain.

Here’s a challenge: The next time a book tells you to pick up a pen and paper to write down a goal or an idea, do it. Take some time to translate your thoughts into words. Pay attention to what you create, to what you are drawn to express on paper. Don’t tell me you’re not a “writer.” Take a piece of advice from someone who has been a writer her whole life. Help your thoughts make their first step from the intangible to something more solid by writing them down, and what happens will surprise you.
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Picture courtesy of piovasco at http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1178761

Purple Butterflies

In the spring of last year, I noticed that the books coming into my life were frequently about death, books like No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh and Home With God by Neale Donald Walsh. I thought, “I wonder who’s going to die?” I didn’t have to wait long for an answer.

I must back up and tell you that I subscribe to the Theory of Random Books. My theory goes like this: Books find their way to me for a reason. I might have a book for years and not read it, but when I finally crack the cover, it usually speaks directly to something in my life. I do my best to buy books randomly. I also get them from friends or read them at the library, and I love it when I’m a book club member because I sometimes forget to respond to the selection of the month. When those books arrive, it’s a total surprise. I got a book on coincidences that way (The Three “Only” Things by Robert Moss).

At any rate, in the spring of last year I could feel something coming. It was like the smell of the desert before the rain comes; bold and strong, announcing the arrival of something rare… and big. I kept my receipt for an audio copy of Eckhart Tolle’s The New Earth because the purchase coincided with the arrival of my mother’s final days. When I walked through the door to her apartment that afternoon, I knew the rain had arrived in a monsoon.

Going out of this world is like coming into it: messy, painful, and experienced in varying degrees of difficulty. I knew only one thing for certain. I knew my mother would go on, just not in a form that I could hug. I’ve felt her with me on many occasions, but when I see purple butterflies, I know she’s here.

Not long before my mother passed on, there was a conversation about purple butterflies in her hospice room. My mother was unable to talk or communicate with us at that point, but I knew she could hear us. Moments after she passed away, I encountered my first purple butterfly.

A whole mess of butterflies, actually, in wall hangings and prints on the walls of the hospice’s hallways that I had not noticed before. A huge bronze butterfly sat outside in a courtyard, which I had not seen at all. Purple butterflies started turning up with increasing regularity from that point forward. Now every time I see one, I think, Hi there, Mom.

Recently, I had a chance to visit with an old friend who lost her young daughter in a tragic accident about five years ago. She believes, as I do, that those we love stay with us in many ways after they die. Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “If someone you love has died, now you know the name of one of your guardian angels”? I shared my purple butterfly story with her, and my friend was flabbergasted. She was wearing the purple butterfly necklace that her little girl had given her; she told me her daughter had a special love for them.

I took it as another hello from beyond, only doubled this time.
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Picture courtesy of Fercozzz at http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1126125

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer: A Prolific Teacher

Twenty years ago, a friend of mine gave me a copy of You’ll See It When You Believe It by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. I was totally offended. At that time in my life, I took the gift as an indication that I was wrong in some way. And all that wacky stuff about creating your own reality… well, you can imagine. I’m not even sure if I read the entire book.

Now I think my friend’s gift was a bit of foreshadowing, maybe even a message from the Universe. Recently, I’ve been re-reading Dr. Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao. Several years after I spurned the idea that negative thoughts can negatively affect us, I finally started understanding the truth behind the saying, “perception is reality.” I’ve read a few of Dr. Dyer’s books, including Inspiration and The Power of Intention. He is a prolific teacher and author, and his message is accessible and insightful. He’s a great speaker, and his shows frequently appear on PBS during pledge drive week. Dr. Dyer appears to sincerely value and enjoy helping others. In his epilogue to Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life, he says, “As you close this book, it is my wish that you, too, will be able to apply this great wisdom of the Tao so that you can, even in the most difficult of times, change your thoughts and enjoy changing your life as well.” I thought this was a wonderful encapsulation of his overall approach; whenever I read his work, I always feel that he writes and speaks from a deep commitment to help people everywhere.

Now, I see my friend’s gift as a true gift, instead of as an insult, or a bit of unsolicited advice about how wrong I was. Ironically enough, now I know it’s just a matter of perspective.

Are You Enough?

I’ve been journaling since I was nine years old. When I was younger, I wondered what the heck I was going to do with the diaries and journals I was accumulating, but I kept them anyway—and I kept writing. The first time I sat down and started re-reading old journals, I was shocked. The patterns that emerged from those entries (mostly lots of festering anger, at that point) gave me important information about how my logic was working (and not working). After that experience, I made it a point to periodically review big chunks of my journals. That’s how I discovered a disturbing trend: I was never good enough, or smart enough, or disciplined enough. I was never enough of anything, and when I couldn’t think of a specific area in which I was lacking, I was just not enough, whatever that meant. I wasn’t even sure myself.

A couple of years ago, when I was making this discovery, I noticed a book because its title spoke to my ill-defined problem: You Are More Than Enough by Judi Moreo, which also has an attractive companion journal. Apparently, I wasn’t the only person battling this “enough” issue. I like a self-help/inspirational book to give me something practical and immediately useful, and Moreo’s book gives readers both. The book is slightly slanted to women, although anyone can benefit from her advice. She covers everything from correcting a negative attitude to the importance of personal appearance (she cites a lack of concern for personal appearance as one of the symptoms of poverty mentality). Moreo calls upon her extensive background as a personal coach to help readers overcome self-imposed limitations, uncover goals, and pursue their dreams. “If you had all the money you would need, all the time it would take, and you knew you absolutely couldn’t fail, what would you do? Who would you do it with? Where would you go? What would you have? What would you want to be? In other words, what goals would you set for yourself, if you knew you couldn’t fail?” She encourages readers to develop an image of what they want their lives to look like, and to keep that picture in their minds.

Moreo advocates keeping a journal, which is why she designed one to complement her book. I loved the little star stickers that came with the journal she created. The inviting design encourages you to grab a pen and start writing. Remember, writing down your goals dramatically increases your chances of achieving what you desire. Write about what you want your life to look like, and you’ve taken the first step toward that life. Of course, journaling has many benefits, like helping you identify self-sabotaging, “not enough” mindsets.

What about you? Are you enough? I agree with Moreo—we’re all enough. Sometimes we just need help to see it.

Harmony Versus Balance

If you’ve seen The Secret, you might remember James Arthur Ray. He's the one who re-tells the story of Aladdin’s Lamp. Later in the film, he alludes to his principles of a harmonic life when he discusses people who are successful in some areas, but who are faring miserably in others, such as those with financial success whose personal lives “…stink. That’s a technical term, by the way.” Wealth, as we all know, isn’t just about money. In his new book, Harmonic Wealth: The Secret of Attracting the Life You Want, he describes some of the theories beyond the Law of Attraction, like the Law of Polarity and the Law of Gestation, and he explains his theory of Harmonic Wealth®, which he developed after a lifetime devoted to studying science, religions, and spirituality, among a host of other things.

Ray describes the idea of balance as “bogus,” arguing that true balance isn't desirable because equilibrium across the board indicates stasis, not happiness or success. He describes his Five Pillars of Wealth: Financial, Relational, Mental, Physical, and Spiritual. “Without these five pillars, you might be rich, but you’ll never be wealthy,” he says, and he makes a good case for his theory. He encourages us to develop focus, open our eyes to our shortcomings, and to accept that sometimes we have to devote time to one area at the expense of another--temporarily. It's sound advice. Who can devote an equal amount of time or attention to each area of her life at all times? Huge numbers of people exhaust themselves trying. Ray’s theory calls for a more flexible, adaptable approach in a successful life. This is why he prefers the idea of harmony over balance; all the parts of our life must act together in concert, but in varying degrees at different times.

Ray cautions readers that while our attention may fluctuate between the pillars, they all need attention sooner or later. Letting one pillar collapse will bring the whole house down eventually. If one pillar is crumbling, how can you focus on the others? He points out, in several examples, how blindness to our weak spots and bad habits prevent us from moving forward in all areas. For instance, he challenges people to watch less television and use their time more constructively, pointing out that most people could invest that time into improving themselves or pursuing their dreams.

This is only a snippet of Ray’s overall theory. He discusses each pillar in depth, and he unifies his ideas with a practical spirituality that he has thoroughly explored. He’s not shy about revealing the personal experiences that shaped his life and ideas. I like Ray’s style. He comes across with an intelligent and friendly voice, but without any sugar coating. If you appreciate a direct, no-nonsense approach, you’ll like this book. His research into physics and other complex topics is impressive, as are his travels around the world to study the belief systems of every type of culture.

Naturally, as readers assume from the title, Ray addresses the financial pillar early in the book, but anyone who picks up Harmonic Wealth looking for a way to make quick money without any effort will be disappointed. Personal transformation is anything but effortless, and nothing short of transformation is what Ray advocates. Don’t wish for an easier life, he tells readers more than once. Wish to be a better person, one who can rise above the day-to-day dramas we inflict upon ourselves. Wise advice, indeed.

One With Life

Each new day brings more clarity of my direction in life. My goal: Time spent without ego increases each day.

As the day progresses life can take on many twists and turns. When I find myself being judgmental or in a bad mood, sometimes it is difficult to bring myself out of the negative thought process. The thought goes round and round in my head. I call this “mind screwing.” When I realize that I am mind screwing, I question myself, and the same answer always comes to the forefront. It’s a choice. I can choose to be in a good mood, or I can choose to remain in a bad mood.

During the times when it is more difficult to get out of a certain mood, I think to myself, “What makes one thought more important than another?” Out of all the hundreds and hundreds of thoughts that cross my mind in any given day, I am allowing this one negative thought to take over my mood and determine the outcome of my day.

Seems simple, doesn’t it? Just change your thoughts and you change your mood, thus changing your experience. Simple, maybe -- but not easy. The ego can be very strong and take your thoughts off into a direction where you are rationalizing with yourself, why your feelings are hurt, or why you need to be justified, or whatever is affecting you at the time and resulting in the negative emotions in the first place. Being aware of each moment as the moment happens -- opens your eyes to how to be happy throughout your day, letting go of issues or injustices and moving forward.

Not sure how to do this? Watch your pet. In one moment you may be scolding them for behavior that is not acceptable, and in the next moment they are off chasing a butterfly as if the scolding never happened. To them it didn’t because the scolding moment is over and in the Now moment, catching the butterfly is all that matters. Animals do not hold grudges or bad feelings towards others.

Each day I achieve a few moments when I have no ego. It is in the “no ego” moment I realize I do not have to be justified by anyone or anything. My judgments are not important without ego, I simply observe situations – not judge them. It is in that “one” moment that life is simple.

"There are three words that convey the secret of the art of living, the secret of all success and happiness. “One With Life.” Being one with life is being one with Now. You then realize that you don’t live your life, but life lives you. Life is the dancer, and you are the dance.”- Eckhart Tolle – A New Earth.

Take Back Your Power

In conversations with several friends throughout the years, it seems that one suggested piece of advice I gave them that really registered was, “Take back your power.” It is sad that we so eagerly give our power to someone else in any given situation. One good example: if we are having a disagreement with anyone and they are accusing us of something; as soon as we begin to defend ourselves, we have given them our power. We have fueled the situation to escalate.

I shared this information with a friend and a few days later she called me and said, “I can’t believe how easy it is to take back my power." She went on to explain that her husband was angry at her reaction to a situation and in his usual loud manner, started telling her what she had done and how he didn’t like it. Instead of her trying to defend herself, she just listened and when he was done, she simply said, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” He looked at her in disbelief. He didn’t even know what to say.

She continued to get ready for work. After a few grumblings under his breath, he left the room. He, then, came back into the room and started to list all the things he had done that week without being asked. She realized he was trying to get her to argue with him and didn’t know how to handle her unusual reaction. She replied calmly again, “Yes, you did, and it was a huge help to me. I greatly appreciated it.”

He looked at her as if something from outer space came down and snatched his wife and replaced her with an alien. He truly did not know how to react to her. As she left for work, she kissed him, told him she loved him and she’d talk to him later. His only reply was, “Love you, too,” as the confusion showed in his face.

Now, I’m not saying that it is easy to take back your power in situations all the time. Not so. It’s a work in progress, however; the more you take back your power, the easier life becomes.

I did not learn this on my own; I read a book years ago that shared this great wisdom. Take Back Your Power, by Yasmin Davidds. I recommend this book for anyone who wants to take back control of their life and no longer be a victim. When this idea is implemented in your life, you will totally change your life’s experience.

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Photo courtesy of Steve Woods at

http://www.sxc.hu/photo/727442

Do What It Takes

An excerpt from Conversations with God – Book 2 – By Neale Donald Walsch

Get close to God. Do what you can. Do what you have to. Do what it takes.
Say a rosary. Kiss a stone. Bow to the East. Chant a chant.

Swing a pendulum. Test a muscle. Or write a book. Do what it takes.

Each of you has your own construction. Each of you has understood Me (God) – Create Me (God) – in your own way.
To some of you I am a man. To some of you I am a woman. To some, I am both. To some, I am neither.

To some of you I am pure energy. To some, the ultimate feeling, which you call love. And some of you have no idea what I am. You simply know that I AM. (God) And so it is.

I AM.

I am the wind which rustles you hair. I am the sun which warms your body. I am the rain which dances on your face. I am the smell of flowers in the air, and I am the flowers which send their fragrance upward. I am the air which carries the fragrance.

I am the beginning of your first thought. I am the end of your last. I am the idea which sparked your most brilliant moment. I am the glory of its fulfillment. I am the feeling which fueled the most loving thing you ever did. I am the part of you which yearns for that feeling again and again.

Whatever works for you, whatever makes it happen – whatever ritual, ceremony, demonstration, meditation, thought, song, word, or action it takes for you to “reconnect” – do this.

Do this in remembrance of Me. (God)

A Precious Moment

"We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment, but it is transient. It is a little parenthesis in eternity. If we share with caring, lightheartedness and love, we will create abundance and joy for each other. And then this moment will have been worthwhile.” – Deepak Chopra – The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success

You Are What You Eat

Good nutrition is as important to our bodies as exercise, meditation and rest. Nutrition affects our moods, our stamina, sleeping patterns, our memory and our ability to perform sexually.

When I am asked what types of food is best to eat, I am amazed at the reactions. We are not as eager to change if it means having to give up something we enjoy eating…even when it’s not good for us.

Our bodies are amazing machines. Especially considering what we put them through. Let’s compare our bodies with our vehicles for a moment. Our vehicles will not run unless we put in the proper fuel, keep the oil changed on a regular basis and replace the air filter. When there is no fuel in a vehicle, it will not run…period. 

Yet, time and time again, we will get up in the morning, grab a cup of coffee and rush off to work expecting our body to operate at its best until we decide to feed it; and then…when we do… there is nothing remotely nutritional about it. Yet, our bodies try to adapt, making the best of the food we eat until it slowly starts to break down and then one day we are told we have some type of disease and we ask, “How did this happen?” Why wait until you get ill before making a change?

What’s the good news? Our bodies begin to repair themselves immediately if given the proper nutrition (information). Our bodies will break down the food and move it along the information pathways to our cells, brain and nervous system in order to repair, rebuild and replenish each cell properly and keep our bodies operating in perfect order.

We don’t have to make radical changes to our diet. Start with simple changes; eat more food that is grown in your area -- stay away from manufactured foods. Eat as much organic foods as possible. Eat more fruits and vegetables, buffalo, fish and fowl. If you can’t purchase produce from a farmer’s market in your area, buy organic frozen. Frozen fruits and vegetables are picked and flash frozen in a short time period keeping them fresher. When you purchase produce at your local market, you have no clue how long it took the produce to get to that particular market location and may not be as “fresh” as you think.

Eat at home more often. Nothing beats homemade cooking. Not only will you know all the ingredients in the food you’re family is eating, but the food will taste better, be more nutritional… and sitting down reconnecting with your family will be a huge added bonus!
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Photo courtesy of Marc Slingerland at
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1156603

YATA, YATA, YATA

You Are The Answer (YATA) is a vision conceived by both, my business partner, Nevada Redd, and myself, to assist you to open new doors and enable you to: “Become the next grandest version of the greatest vision ever you held about who you are.” This will encompass talking about a plethora of subjects, books, and ideas we feel will help you recognize that in every question or uncertainty or trial or tribulation, You Are The Answer. (YATA)

Issues concerning spirituality, health, relationships or income, You Are The Answer. (YATA)

What ever difficulty you may be facing at this very moment, You Are The Answer. (YATA)

So, remember, when you feel you have lost your way or don’t know what to do, just remind yourself, “YATA, YATA, YATA,” and trust you’re feeling that comes from within.
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Quote from Friendship with God, by Neale Donald Walsch.

Photo courtesy of Christer Ronning Austad

http://www.sxc.hu/photo/595702

Go Within, Not Without

Whenever I get into conversations with friends about what we need in life and what makes us happy, the subject of going within always comes to the forefront. They'll ask, “What does that mean?"

I reply with the full quote by Neale Donald Walsch, “If you don’t go within, then you’ll go without.” It means that everything we need is inside of ourselves. If we don’t look inside ourselves to find our needs, we will invariable go “outside” ourselves and try to find fulfillment and justification from others. Notice I say, “Try,” because we will never find it outside of ourselves.

How many times do we seek the perfect relationship, work ourselves into bad health climbing the corporate ladder, extend ourselves by purchasing the biggest and best of everything thinking that one or all of the above will fill the huge void inside? That, maybe then…just maybe… someone will think we are worthy?

But suddenly, we loose our job or that perfect relationship or our house and we become totally lost because we no longer have some type of title or brand to define ourselves. What then?

Stop the crazy merry-go-round. Take a deep breath and be still for just a moment. Feels good doesn't it?

Anyone who can be alone with themselves and enjoy it… is going within. When you don’t have the need to tell others of your accomplishments, or point out your wealth or point out your good looks, or brag about your expensive car in order to receive admiration from others…you are going within.

When you start giving to others that very thing you thought you needed, slowly you start to realize the terrible void inside isn't as bad. You realize in order to give something to someone else, you have to possess it first. You begin to feel full, begin to feel like you’re wrapped up in a warm soft blanket on a very cold night, secure at last, with a "knowing" of who you are, not an "idea." The void is finally filled. The need to be validated by others is gone. Going within is powerful.
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Photo courtesy of Renato Panchoa
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/455538

Start Beating A Different Drum!

It is very interesting in today’s difficult and changing times how differently everyone reacts. Some say that life as we know it is coming to an end, while other’s think it is opportunity for growth. However you view today’s ever-changing times will determine your life experience of it. Some know this to be true while others think it is hogwash.

Whatever your view... stop beating the same drum... if you continue to tell the same “woe is me” story your life will continue to be a victim experience. This idea is shared by Abraham-Hicks who I have been an avid follower for several years.

One of their statements that truly helped to change the outcome of my life is, “If you don’t like what is going on in your life…change your story. Simply start telling a different story." Tell your story as you WANT your life to be and so shall it become. Believe when everyone else is telling you not too and you will create an amazing life experience. Don’t let naysayer’s dictate you life experience…BE the driving force in your life, believe your truths and you will experience amazing changes, and you’ll be awe-struck at how quickly this will happen.

Abraham-Hicks published several books, CD’s and DVD’s that explain how to apply their philosophy to your life. Ask and It Is Given was the first Abraham-Hicks book I read. It's written in easy to understand terms and is very simple to start implementing into your life immediately.

Do I hear the beating of new drums? I hope so. Let your new rhythm begin. I look forward to hearing about some of your life-changing experiences as they happen, so I, too, can share in your excitement.
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Photo courtesy of Laura Glover
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/148204

The Ego

One of my favorite pastimes is people-watching. Human behavior is so fascinating to me. There are those who react to situations by bullying and yelling louder and feeling they have shown the other who is in control. There are those who react by ignoring and quietly going away to avoid the situation and there are those who react by communicating and handling the situation with grace. Everyone has their style. Our society seems to have become so dramatic and very negative.

Our ego plays a huge part in how we respond to life. It’s because of our ego that we feel our way is the “right” way and therefore the only “correct” way of doing or responding or believing; instead of understanding that there is not a “right” way… but simply another way.

This understanding came to me while reading A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle. This book is so powerful that I have read it several times and will read it several more times, and listen to the audio version of the book again and again.

This book is filled with so much information, I guarantee if you read it, you will definitely think twice before you react to life and maybe start being proactive. I wonder how many times you will re-read it???

A Mindless Celebration

Inside of me is a feeling of knowing, an innate knowledge of things that I do not recall actually learning, but still “know” to be true. It is this feeling (soul) that I am learning to trust and live my life by. Whenever I let my mind change the direction of my original feeling (soul) it invariably has a negative outcome. My life challenge is learning to listen, follow, and honor these feelings (my soul) beyond a shadow of a doubt and take my mind out of the equation.

Hence the statement from the trilogy of Conversations With God - Book 2 - By Neale Donald Walsch: “Are you out of your mind?” and my response should be, “Yes, isn’t it wonderful? Your soul speaks to you in feelings. Listen to your feelings, follow your feelings, honor your feelings. Your feelings will never get you into trouble because your feelings are 'your' truth. True celebration is mindless.”

The Conversations With God trilogy by Neale Donald Walsch are wonderful. Visit the website and decide for yourself. And while you're there check out several of Walsch's other books. His books were truly a life saver for me.

Memories

One of my most vivid memories is when I was about five years old. We lived out in the country. After my mother would tuck me in bed for the night I would insist that she closed my bedroom door “tight” as she left. My mother would seem uncomfortable with my request and say that she would leave it open just a bit, but I would convince her to close it all the way. Why?

My bed was next to the window and I loved laying there looking up at the stars. Being out in the country the stars were spectacular. You could see so many stars and they were so vivid I felt as if I could reach out and touch some of them. I would lie there and connect the stars and draw imaginary pictures and contemplate life. Yes, that’s right, at five years old, wondering what was out there in that vastness with all the twinkling stars. I’d question why I was alive, why was I here on earth? Would my mother always be here with me? What would I do if she died? Fast forward forty or so years and I’m still searching for answers.

It is with this life long journey that I have read many, many spiritual books that have changed the course of my life. I hope sharing some of those insights will encourage you to revisit books you may have been interested in reading, but just haven’t found the time. Maybe these book reviews will encourage you to find the time to read that one book, that caught your eye, and you purchased... but never read.
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Photo courtesy of Lynne Lancaster
www.sxc.hu/photo/917258