The Fallacy of Should

All by itself, “should” isn’t a bad word. It’s quite useful in sentences: Johnny should clean up his room. But it’s quite useless in daily life.

Here’s the difficulty with “should”: instead of simply sitting in your sentences as a desired action, it indicates thwarted expectations. One therapist I know said any time we use the word “should,” it indicates an erroneous belief. I should be skinny. I should be richer. My mate should be more attentive. My children should behave better. Should’s sister is Can’t, and they usually travel together: I should be skinny, but I can’t find the time to cook meals. I should be richer, but I can’t do anything beyond my job to make more money. My mate should be more attentive, but I can’t say anything to him. My children should behave better, but I can’t get them to listen to me.

I’ve been reading Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life every morning while I drink my cup of tea. In this book, he examines each verse of the Tao Te Ching, an ancient text written by Lao-tzu. I don’t think Lao-tzu had much use for Should. He was more concerned with Is. I was struck this morning by his examination of the pitfalls of authoritarianism, the epitome of Should. In the 57th verse, Dr. Dyer’s translation says:

If you want to be a great leader,
You must learn to follow the Tao
Stop trying to control.
Let go of fixed plans and concepts,
And the world will govern itself.

Should and Can’t figure prominently in many people’s lives, especially during tumultuous times. I have a dear friend whose business has all but collapsed because of the economic downturn. “I should be able to support my family,” he tells me. Repeatedly. “This shouldn’t be happening to me.” Because he feels his business Should be doing better, he is very angry that things aren’t the way they Should be. Anger blinds us to the possibilities contained within our challenges. You’ve probably heard clichés about thinking outside the box; the boundaries of that box are formed with Should.

Students of the LOA (law of attraction) may initially take exception to this line of thinking. They might argue that if we keep our minds focused on how things Should be, then that’s what will happen. Here’s the difficulty with that vein of thought: Should carries a heavy load of negative connotation. It’s all about not wanting what we’ve got. There’s not a shred of thankfulness or gratitude in Should.

We can look at what we don’t want to give us contrast and help us define what we do want, but focusing on what Should happen means you’re second-guessing the Universe. Ever heard the saying, “God works in mysterious ways”? Don’t paint your world in black and white when you live in a colorful Universe. Those things that Should or Should Not be happening may simply be the stepping stones to what you do want, but you’ve got to stop passing judgment on them. Thinking positively and practicing the LOA does not mean that you never encounter difficulty. No matter how positive your thoughts, or much fortune and luck you attract, you will still have to deal with challenges. Let go of Should and be willing to go with the flow, to understand that in every life storms arrive (and pass), and that what appears awful today may be just what you need to push you in the direction you need to go.

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Photograph by Nevada Redd

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer: A Prolific Teacher

Twenty years ago, a friend of mine gave me a copy of You’ll See It When You Believe It by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. I was totally offended. At that time in my life, I took the gift as an indication that I was wrong in some way. And all that wacky stuff about creating your own reality… well, you can imagine. I’m not even sure if I read the entire book.

Now I think my friend’s gift was a bit of foreshadowing, maybe even a message from the Universe. Recently, I’ve been re-reading Dr. Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao. Several years after I spurned the idea that negative thoughts can negatively affect us, I finally started understanding the truth behind the saying, “perception is reality.” I’ve read a few of Dr. Dyer’s books, including Inspiration and The Power of Intention. He is a prolific teacher and author, and his message is accessible and insightful. He’s a great speaker, and his shows frequently appear on PBS during pledge drive week. Dr. Dyer appears to sincerely value and enjoy helping others. In his epilogue to Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life, he says, “As you close this book, it is my wish that you, too, will be able to apply this great wisdom of the Tao so that you can, even in the most difficult of times, change your thoughts and enjoy changing your life as well.” I thought this was a wonderful encapsulation of his overall approach; whenever I read his work, I always feel that he writes and speaks from a deep commitment to help people everywhere.

Now, I see my friend’s gift as a true gift, instead of as an insult, or a bit of unsolicited advice about how wrong I was. Ironically enough, now I know it’s just a matter of perspective.